Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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