Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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