what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
