why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
