the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
