Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
