mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
