Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
