True but thats because hes a fetus.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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