i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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