I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
