Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
