And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Two words: nipple clamps
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