guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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