One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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