Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
