she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
