Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize