so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
