I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Small penises have feelings too.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
