so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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