Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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