I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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