Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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