I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
