It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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