He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
