Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
