from now on my penis is your penis
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
