the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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