Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
