I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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