dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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