just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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