he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
