ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
