Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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