every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
