Can Purell be used as lube?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
