he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
