i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
