I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm just crazy horny about you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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