Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
