I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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