He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
