i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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