Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
