I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
