Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
