im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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