just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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