Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
