they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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