I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
