Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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