Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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