I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
