When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and she was petting her beer can
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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