please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
