I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think my moral compass just broke
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
