i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
